When you practice the 8 skills of EQ, YOU are transformed and your transformation impacts every relationship you nurture.
You hear me speak about EQ often.
What I’m really talking about are four things: relationships, effectiveness, quality of life, and wellness. These are called success factors and they are a measure of one’s emotional intelligence. For this next blog series I’m going to focus on relationships.
I was coaching a pastor and he said surprisingly that while working on his EQ to increase his effectiveness as a pastor he found that his relationship with his wife was improving and she noticed that he was different.
This work impacts more than your leadership, it impacts YOU! And as I like to say ‘you take YOU with you wherever you go.’
You have various relationships regardless of their depth. You are in communication and community with lots of people as a pastor or person.
From my own life, my relationship with my son impacts how I do ministry with church volunteers. My oldest son will soon be 14. His name is Gabriel and loves all things electronic, Lego and fast cars. He’s on the autism spectrum. While his language is limited, I say it’s emerging. And because I named him Gabriel, I expect and anticipate him to send God messages to me and others. I pay attention to what he says and does.
In order for Gabriel to learn anything I have to break it down into pieces. We learn piece by piece sometimes for months until the entire process of say tying his shoes is learned. (We’re working on that now). Along the way there are celebrations and rewards and moving to the next step. I observed him and learned early on that he mirrors me. So I have to work next to him rather than in front of him or else he does the opposite of me.
My relationship with Gabriel is filled with observation, listening, talking, physical touches of love, words of affirmation , and celebration. I am always learning how to be the mom he needs me to be not the mom I want to be. (I love that sentence and there are days I struggle with just wanting it to be “easy”)
When he’s overstimulated or needs sensory input I’m watching for the signs and listening for his words “tickles” or “squeezes”. I try to respond affirmatively every time so he knows he can trust me to provide what he needs. He’s also learning to relate to himself with hugs and squeezes and breathing.
My relationship with Gabriel at a basic level informs how I support and nurture relationships with church volunteers. In many cases I’m asking someone to do something they haven’t done before or they feel they can’t do. So I affirm them. Then I break it down into pieces so they see the steps. Sometimes they’re working alongside me while other times on their own and reporting back. I give praise along the day assuring them they’re doing it well (not right). Too often folks are worried they’ll do something wrong so I try to steer away from right and wrong language.
In the past, before Gabriel, I was the hands-off leader. Here’s the task. ‘Do you’ and meet the deadline. That worked for a few people. But I learned that people felt left to sink or swim. This wasn’t my intent. I trusted them to do the work and didn’t want to impede their efforts. However, checking in is needed along the way, clarifying the expectations as needed also, as well as celebrating the progress to date - all of this strengthened my relationship with volunteers and made for better quality of work being executed. By the way - SAY THANK YOU and show your gratitude with a card, small gift, or a public shout out. I give people so much credit publicly when I say I have a team of volunteers who do “real” work for the ministry. I try to make sure that coupled with no-brainer tasks they have thought provoking tasks, forward-facing tasks, and that they represent me in meetings tasks. Important things!
I didn’t learn this in a podcast or book. I learned this in a season where my focus was being aware of my feelings while supporting my son and his feelings and goals.
When you practice the 8 skills of EQ, YOU are transformed and your transformation impacts every relationship you nurture.
When you work with me to increase your momentum, start a new ministry, or improve your team we do EQ. Because if you’re aware of your emotions, willing to mange them, and then make decisions informed by them you’re more effective and grounded and your relationships will help you accomplish goals beyond your wildest dreams.
Email me (speakinglife@charitygoodwin.com) about an EQ assessment and/or keep reading and learning. Next week we will look at relationships with your board or council.
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